Thursday, November 30, 2006


I just didn't really need to hear this right now! I would gladly give up all the Fafarazzi points this story earned me if it could have just never happened at all. Rewind, Erase! Don't need to go there. I am already hard up enough as it is, why do you have to take my little pleasures from me?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

No She DI'NT!

What in the world is going on? I think girlfriend Gwen is off her rocker, and this latest cover story from Entertainment Weekly proves it. According to the article, she claims her new look for the album is inspired by Michelle Pfeiffer's performance as Elvira Hancock in Scarface. Ok, that's pretty fabulous inspiration, I ain't gonna lie (What about the fabulous cobalt blue gown with a plunging neckline?), but I think something got lost in the translation. Alot of things happened in that movie, but I'm pretty sure wearing wigs made out of acrylic poodle hair wasn't one of them. But the major missteps aren't just tonsorial on this second solo outing. On the new single "Wind It Up" she samples "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music, specifically the yodel. You read right. It is the most retarded thing I've ever heard in my life. So to recap, Scarface and yodeling. But maybe she's not all to blame. If Courtney Love was going around claiming that the only reason my Adonis of a husband started dating me was because she dumped him first, I think I'd be a little off my game too.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Keep Burberry British

LADIES...believe me when I say I am TRYING very very hard to find blog ready pics of Ioan Gruffudd as the new face of Burberry. I just saw the spread in this December's InStyle, and it's phenomenal. However in doing my intrepid visual research, I discovered that our lad is embroiled in a bit of a controversy. Seems despite Burberry's profits this year, the board has decided to shut down a Welsh manufacturing plant near where Ioan grew up that has been in the company for 70 years to get the work done cheaper in China. Ioan was urged to take a stand on the issue, but demurred until now. He has finally joined Prince Charles in putting the pressure on those Burberry mucky-mucks. Well, if belatedly played. Chavs of the world breathe a sigh of relief.

trompe l’œil

Whenever I see the brand Aquascutum, I always think it says, ahem, something else.

Liza at the Luxor

Last night I was privileged to end 2006: My Year In Gay Man Music with a performance by Miss Liza May Minnelli at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas. Unfortunately we were half an hour late and so I only got to see about an hour's worth of performance. And there was no merchandise to be had. I had been dreaming for weeks about wrassling myself up a Liza tour tee that would motivate me on the eliptical trainer. I'd cut out the neck and make a neck hole big enough to slide over one shoulder. I might have even jazzed it up with a BeDazzle™ or two, but such dreams were not to be fulfilled. As Liza said as she ripped off one faux eyelash and then the other midsong, "DAMN!"

What I liked especially about this performance was that between each song, she took a few seconds to just chat, share an anecdote or remark on the first time she had heard a song sung. I would die to read a Liza autobiography, because honey you better believe she knows where all the skeletons are buried. I would have loved to talk to her about Arrested Development too. Can you imagine going out on the town with Jessica Walters and Liza, watching them knock back a couple thousand champagne mimosas while you nursed a Diet Peach Snapple Iced Tea? Heaven!

The best moment of the night for me came when she let her bandleader/piano player do a solo cover of "You Can Leave Your Hat On". Although I love the Tom Jones version of the song, I recently had to sit in the car and listen to my dad sing along every word of some random blues version of it which was extremely distressing and offputting. But Liza helped me to push those memories aside when she insisted on a reprise of the song and then proceeded to do an interpretive dance all the while her bandleader sang. She's still got it baby. David Guest eat your heart out.

A Sad Sad Sad Day

Part of me is like of course he does. But most of me is sickened.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Casting Director: Vesper Lynd

Last night I saw Casino Royale, which I thought was pretty darn good. No need for an extended rhapsody on Daniel Craig, we all knew he would be perfect, and he was. When my 77 year old grandmother says, "That fella reminds me of Steve McQueen!" you know the mission is accomplished. This post will inagurate a new feature here at the blog wherein I critique the casting choices in a film, and proffer a few of my own. So let's get down to brass tacks: who in the hell greenlighted Eva Green for the role of Vesper Lynd?

Here are a few actresses in no particular order that would have galvanized the film with their presence.

1. Caterina Murino To begin with, the producers had to look no further than someone already in their film. So you've never heard of her, so what. In the role of Solange, she was a knockout in the red gown she wore when she first met Bond, and the chemistry between her and Craig was superior to the non-existent sizzle with Green. And she had a sweetness and a vulnerability that even the shower scene couldn't pump out of Green's performance.

2. Connie Nielsen The producers probably saw Green in the awful Kingdom of Heaven and picked her anyway. So why not go with the heroine of Ridley Scott's best film, rather than his worst? In Gladiator Nielsen looked ravishing but transmitted strength. The role of Vesper calls for those same qualities, and she would have delivered them with less insecurity than Green.

3. Zoe Lucker Well I would have paid beaucoup bucks to see that! Killing two husbands and switching your own baby with your lover's wife's while taking controling interest in the biggest football club in England just doesn't happen by chance. Watch her build a relationship of trust with Bond, and watch her blow up his heart. If you're looking for someone to enact THE BETRAYAL that is responsible for forming a huge part of the Bond identity, who better than Tanya Turner herself to do the job. And do it up she would, luv.

4. Claire Forlani. See how good I am at this?

5. Rachel Weisz I don't know if she'd agree to do it, and I don't know if people would think to ask her, but I think she would have been perfect for the role. She's a spitfire.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Movie Was BETTER Than The Book

I finished Elizabeth Gaskell's North & South last night. I found it enjoyable 'til the last 100 pages. In this case, the miniseries beats the book. Credit is due the screenwriter who I thought did a delightful job of making the ending much more entertaining than Mrs. Gaskell was able to.

In honor of how obsessed I have become, I created this list of Lines You Would Never Hear in North & South--Wedding Crashers Edition. Basically, every line below is a direct quote from Wedding Crashers, but I put it in the mouth of the main characters from N & S.

Mrs. Thornton [To John Thornton]: She hasn't answered your calls, she didn't respond to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the ***damn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.

Mr. Thornton [To Margaret]: Can I say something to you without you getting mad at me?

Mr. Thornton [To Margaret]: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.

Mr. Thornton [To Mrs. Thornton]: HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?

Margaret [To John Thornton]: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!

[On the balcony, infront of the mob]
Mr. Thornton: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Margaret: How tall are you?
Mr. Thornton: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.

Mr. Thornton: You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!

Mr. Thornton [To Margaret]: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.

Mr. Thornton [after whoever's funeral (I can't remember which one he went to.)]: I crashed a funeral today.

Ok, I'm sure there are plenty more where that came from, that's just a smattering....